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Submitted on
May 17, 2012
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I.
Leaves burn to cinders
To sate an addiction—
Ashes to be flicked off a cylinder,
Then to fall to the ground and be blown away
By a whimsical wind.

Who would weep for the tobacco leaves?
They who are birthed in a flourish of green to flower and seed,
Torn off, desiccated, and packed in the pulp of trees,
Then consumed in the flames of avarice…
Let them take the airs away.

Do not forget,
They are of the Nightshade!


II.
The collies have grown complacent
Their shepherd has gone to fat
His crook lost ages ago...
They play with the sheep,
But lead them nowhere.

They bark and snarl and nip at the heels,
And never allow old wounds to heal
The sheep are left emaciated and weak,
As the wolves gather upwind
Crouching low on yonder hill.

They will bite the throat of the man that feeds
And leave tamed beasts to the wild.

III.
Teenaged Johnny has his father's gun,
Through vicarious lenses electronic he sees the world,
With no idea what is outside his hometown,
He will end his life before it's begun.

IV.
The sun will rise,
But in winter the nights grow long
And frostbite stings the soul,
Leaving some to sink deeper down
Until they are buried alive.

Who will hold on when Atlas drops the world?
Where could it use some improvement?
How was the word choice?
Was it long enough/too short?
Are the messages clear?
Does it live up to its title?

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:iconrockstarvanity:
I love how you've captured so much of the world in these snapshots of lives and of small things and details. They feel at once like metaphors and literal statements...maybe they're both. I like that things can be both microcosm and macrocosm simultaneously.

Your eloquent but unpretentious language wraps simple concepts in beautiful clothes, instantly making them something more.

The idea that our world is being held up by someone stronger than us, someone of myth and legend, contrasts wonderfully with the little snippets of delicate life and the final question inspires so much thought and consideration.

I have no answer to the question but I really love the poem.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 12 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal!



:)
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:iconthemoralmachine:
TheMoralMachine Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2012   Writer
I really liked the last line, it brought the poem together nicely.
Reply
:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Writer
There is little fault to be found in this poem as regards vision, technique and originality; I also found the imagery quite striking. It's a piece that makes you think, and really has some deep concepts.
However, for me, it lacked the immediate "WOW" factor. For that reason, I would have given you a slightly lower impact rating; but otherwise I would agree with the critique by `RockstarVanity
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:iconthedarkenedbride:
TheDarkenedBride Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm amazed, it's a pleasure to read poems like this :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconslyfry:
slyfry Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
Thank you, I'm not really sure what is so special about this poem, but people seem to like it.
Reply
:iconthedarkenedbride:
TheDarkenedBride Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
no problem :)
I think it may be because the poem evokes various images/emotions so it touches the reader but won't make them get bored easily (or at least that's how it worked for me)
Reply
:iconsparking-order:
Sparking-Order Featured By Owner May 18, 2012
Amazing imagery, especially III and that last line
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:iconsakowfniapqf:
sakowfniapqf Featured By Owner May 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah, regret, ye foully sweet companion of those who seek meaning.

You've put some deep thoughts out pretty well, nice poem. :)
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner May 17, 2012
:thumbsup:

Sounds a lot like now, this dystopia.
Reply
:iconslyfry:
slyfry Featured By Owner May 17, 2012
That is what I was going for
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